Sometimes things fall right into your lap and without even knowing it, and you never know what to do with it.
This is one of those times.
In the course of the last four months, my entire life has gone through an entire series of changes. I've sold the first home that I've owned. I've decided to move back home. I've made a decision on a career after six years of teetering on the edge of self destruction. And most importantly, I've discovered the entire reason that I spent a year in complete and utter confusion, anger, and frustration. I was so upset with my entire life and let everything in the world that I thought mattered just disappeared. For one very important reason...
I've found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I thought once upon a time that I had met that girl, when in all actuality I was just this insecure prick that had no clue what it really meant to be with someone and want to make them as unbelievably happy as possible. I've never had a relationship that I wasn't completely selfish in; it was more about making me happy than it was in making the other person smile. Sure, it made me feel good to see the person I was with smile and laugh and we could all have a good ol' fuckin' time.
Except here's the issue- that has all changed in a heartbeat.
In the middle of August I met this girl... and she wasn't like any other girl I've ever met in my life. She wasn't just this cute face that I could see myself hanging out with some and not feeling like strangling myself with a phone cord while being around her. Instead, she is this phenomenal woman that just oozes sensuality, intelligence, confidence, and just every other possible combination of desirable traits that I've ever wanted.
At first it was just this great time we were having. Just enjoying each other's company and having fun and things were just... simple.
As time moved on, and days turned into weeks turned into months, things changed. Instead of just enjoying each other's company, we started missing each other when we couldn't be around one another. When we weren't together we were texting non-stop, and it wasn't just the inane random conversation that most people have. We would start talking about how we missed eachother. We would talk about how excited we were to meet eachother's family. We were excited to talk about the concept of the future, with eachother involved.
And that's where the realization happened.
I've felt the concept of love. I've been able to really conceptualize the idea of being in love.
Only now, I really KNOW what it is to be in love.
My entire day, my every night, the very essence of who it is that I am and want to be, solely revolves around me wanting to make her happy. Every smile that graces her lips, every laugh that rings in my ears, every deep sigh that comes forth as I put my arms around her... is absolute and complete astonishment and bliss on my end.
Never before has it been about just wanting to see her happy or hold her or simply just be with her. It has always been about what it is that I could get out of a situation and what I needed. All of a sudden, with this woman... I don't give a shit about me. It isn't about what I want or what I want to do anymore. There is nothing that I want that is more important than the concept of seeing her as happy as possible. I would give her everything in my life if it was what she wanted. I would gladly give every moment of my own happyness if it ment seeing her happy.
For once I understand just how selfless one can be when they're IN LOVE. And for once, I'm not scared. I'm not wanting anything but her. I've finally realized what it is. I've finally figured it out. I've finally discovered the true meaning of it all. I can really, honestly, and truthfully say that I've found the woman that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
She makes me feel like a million bucks. And it doesn't mean a thing, because unless she feels the same, having that million bucks might as well be owing a million without her smile....
I am head over heels in love with Darrel Lee Astle and look forward to spending every night in her arms until the day I die. And as a matter of fact, she's laying in bed while I'm typing this, and I miss it already... It's time for me to sign off and crawl back into her embrace....