Friday, July 31, 2009

Exhale, Another Wasted Breath- Again it Goes Unnoticed....

There used to be a time in my life that I was an extremely confident individual. A lot of people said I was borderline cocky (some of the people who didn't like me outright said I was straight up cocky) and I was able to really turn any situation that came to me into something that I could at least see a silver lining on.

Lately- not so much.

Ever since Onnolee left, I really don't have it in me. I still joke around and make the usual smart ass comments that are expected of me, but at the same time I am so completely underwhelmed by the world. I have reached a point where in all honesty, I can't care anymore. It seems that every time I let myself get a personal investment in absolutely anything, something happens to make me feel like I just didn't measure up. That I am nothing but the fat, insecure, lonely little boy that I was in High School. That I still don't matter.

I wish I could say this is a conclusion that I came to over a period of time, but sadly this was a flash in the pan moment last night as I sat around with people from work. All of the details aside, I just can't keep up the pace that I have set for myself over the past few months. I've been doing everything I could to keep myself in at least somewhat high spirits, only to have one of the last positive shining lights in my life stand up and walk out on me.

I thought I had finally realized what it was that I was doing to myself, but of course, I was wrong.

Even though I like to tout just how "right" I often am, I can't think of a single situation in my own life that I have been able to take my own advice.

It's something I really need to start doing.

Listening to:
Dashboard Confessional,
Again I go Unnoticed

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just Breathe, The Midnight Air Will Do You Well....

There's something about listening to horribly stereotypical, depressing emo music that makes me feel a little bit better about life. I don't know what exactly it is lately, but there has been a lot of things weighing down on my heart, which has been kind of driving me nuts. I've kind of been really passive about my entire life in the past few months, and while that has brought me a lot of really happy moments with friends and family, there is still a lot of things that I've been less than enthusiastic about.

I've kind of went off the deep end with a lot of things, and I think I'm finally starting to come out of the whole "maybe this will make me happy" fog and started wanting to be more assertive about what it is that I want in my life and less about what will make other people happy. Which is good. I hope.

I just don't want to come off as the whole exestental breakdown emo-kid that I was back in the day. It's just hard anymore not to really think of myself in those terms because of everything that has gone down in the past year or so. I've really done a lot of changing in my life and I'm not 100% certain that it was exactly for the best. I feel like more than anything, I let a lot of people down that were important to me- and I've lost them as a consequence. I overstepped a lot of bounderies and I think I'm just now starting to really accept that.

Which sounds a lot more whiney than it really is. That is definately meant as more of an uplifting revelation than downtrodden meloncholy declaration.

I almost feel like my subconcious was directing me to do things that I knew I wouldn't do for myself. I was in a relationship that lasted only as long as it did for the sole purpose of comfort and financial co-dependance. I was working myself to the bone for something that I never really wanted in the first place. I was in a contradicting series of friendships that were just waiting to become self-destructive. I feel like I have really saved myself from a lot of future heartache and disaster by allowing my entire life to implode on a trunkated time table.

Listening to:
Hawthorne Heights,
Fragile Future