There's something about listening to horribly stereotypical, depressing emo music that makes me feel a little bit better about life. I don't know what exactly it is lately, but there has been a lot of things weighing down on my heart, which has been kind of driving me nuts. I've kind of been really passive about my entire life in the past few months, and while that has brought me a lot of really happy moments with friends and family, there is still a lot of things that I've been less than enthusiastic about.
I've kind of went off the deep end with a lot of things, and I think I'm finally starting to come out of the whole "maybe this will make me happy" fog and started wanting to be more assertive about what it is that I want in my life and less about what will make other people happy. Which is good. I hope.
I just don't want to come off as the whole exestental breakdown emo-kid that I was back in the day. It's just hard anymore not to really think of myself in those terms because of everything that has gone down in the past year or so. I've really done a lot of changing in my life and I'm not 100% certain that it was exactly for the best. I feel like more than anything, I let a lot of people down that were important to me- and I've lost them as a consequence. I overstepped a lot of bounderies and I think I'm just now starting to really accept that.
Which sounds a lot more whiney than it really is. That is definately meant as more of an uplifting revelation than downtrodden meloncholy declaration.
I almost feel like my subconcious was directing me to do things that I knew I wouldn't do for myself. I was in a relationship that lasted only as long as it did for the sole purpose of comfort and financial co-dependance. I was working myself to the bone for something that I never really wanted in the first place. I was in a contradicting series of friendships that were just waiting to become self-destructive. I feel like I have really saved myself from a lot of future heartache and disaster by allowing my entire life to implode on a trunkated time table.