Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me, I know you well enough....

It's often in the early hours of morning, when I lay awake for no particular reason, I think about things that I dare not contemplate in normal time. It feels as if in the time between night and day I am able to face some of the most terrible aspects of my life without too much fear. I know it's all something I should worry about more. I know it's something that I really should be considering on a day to day basis, but I honestly just can't bring myself to think about some of the things that I know I need to. It would destroy me on a level that I haven't let myself consider as of yet. I still need to hold on to that little bit of myself. At least for a little while longer.

Talking to Onnolee the other day really brought a lot of things to the forefront. Hearing her voice and the complete lack of malice it conveyed really brought a lot of my soul to rest. When I heard the call connect, with her voice on the other end, my heart literally skipped a beat. For months now I have almost been mourning her as if she had died. To my heart it seemed as if that is what had happened. Just one day, she was gone. There was no slow progression of loss, there were no push-up, drag-out fights. There was no chance of ever just happening to run in to her at random while out and about. It was just done.

That made it so much easier to move on. To pick up what was left of my already shattered heart and just plod on like I always have in life. No matter what, I will survive, as I've always said.

Talking to her though, it just made everything feel so real. After weeks and months of deep, dark contemplation I was finally able to say a lot of the things that had been rumbling around in my head. I couldn't hide behind the fake feeling of her being dearly departed anymore- it became suddenly very, very real. And with that, I can finally say that I stood up and held myself accountable for everything that had been done and everything that I couldn't do. I wish I could say that it had all been for some purpose, that there was a logic behind all of my actions; but there wasn't.

I acted selfishly for a very long time, burying myself in work and my own messed up thoughts as a way of trying to deal with a situation that I honestly didn't understand- and that scared me. As much as my "go with the flow" attititude permiates my general life, a lack of control and understanding with things that have such a heavy effect on my very existance scares the ever living shit out of me. Like every person that's scared shitless in this world, I regressed into a person that I haven't let myself be in some time. I went off in a direction that I knew I shouldn't, and all that mattered was what I thought I wanted.

I was wrong.

And for that I can't possibly apologize enough for. I hurt a lot of people, and I betrayed my own morals and my own personal standards. I lost a lot of respect for myself in very little time, and I will never forgive myself for that.

Which is a strange feeling, no doubt. The concept that for everything else that I did, for all of the chaos I caused, for all of the damage done, that I am unable to do what everyone else seems so capable of doing. I just can't pass the buck on to someone else. I just can't go through and let someone else shoulder the blame for all of this. There is no blame to put onto anyone else. There is nothing that I shouldn't have been able to control on my own. I, Daren James, am the only one that is to blame for all of this.

And it finally doesn't hurt to say that anymore. It finally doesn't tear me up to stand up and take blame.

All because I heard her voice.

How silly is that?

Listening to:
Taking Back Sunday
You're so Last Summer

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