Wednesday, May 27, 2009

And the heart still beats inside, and the blood runs through her veins...

So it's official. To anyone that might have been following my (mis)adventures over the past few months, you'll understand this statement- I have no dignity left.

I had to go to the ER because my right testicle had swollen to 4x the size of it's left sided compatriot. How did this happen you ask? Did Daren contract gonorrhea? Chlamydia?

Nope. Neither.

I had a blonde cougar decide at a very inopportune moment to slide her chair out while on the Terrace at work and manage to minch righty between the corner of wrought iron and my theigh. Hard. It was as if she had a perosnal vandetta against me possibly reproducing some day and had taken a contract hit out on my right nut. It's due to this that I have put lefty into witness protection....

Now this hit and the aforementioned hospitalization doesn't seem so bad. What makes it bad is the number of people I had to consult on the appearance of my right nut before we were able to figure out what exactly the problem was with my testicle. First I called and explained it to my doctor's Call Center Operator- a rather cute voiced young woman that sounded both shocked and mildly amused when I told her I had taken a hit to the genitals and things were going wrong down south.

I then had to explain it to a midget at Beaumont. Yes. A midget, not a short woman, not a rather small sided young lady, but a 40-something midget. Thanks.

Then, as many people know- the staff doctors at Beaumont are mostly older men or really really ugly women. I'm laying on the gourney, laughing a little to myself at the misfortune when a rediculously hot asian girl comes in the room. Seriously? Seriously? What-the-fuck. I could deal with an old man checking out my nut. I could feel perfectly clinical about an ugly woman feeling for abnormalities. This though- was not fair. Super hot, short, and her hands on my nuts... This was not a clinical experience for me, this was the beginning of some sort of Penthouse fantasy!

Okay- so next step in this little journey for me was to get an ultrasound. Again- most of the people I've ever encountered from that unit are either elderly or fugly. Not this time! I get the relatively cute middle aged woman that wants to CHAT while she lubes up my nut for the ultrasound. Thanks!

So after a dose of Dilauded and a lot of people holding on to my testicles, I find out that I have a trauma induced infection that simply needs to be treated by antibiotics. Fun.

Oh- and did I mention the girl I've been dating for about two weeks is the one that brought me to the ER and sat with me the whole time!? FUN!

Listening to:
Brave Saint Saturn
The Light of Things Hoped For
10 - Heart Still Beats

1 comment:

Liz said...

Well. I hope that you, er... your man parts, feel better soon! I'm sorry you had to go through all that.